the test

In light of interesting relevations.......I decided to try something.

I wanted to test just how 'over' I was.

So I searched. I searched him, then I searched his ex wife, then I searched his current girlfriend/wife/mother of his child.......

and......

a little bit dark and twisty.....but the good news is, I told myself the little speech I tell myself.

And I am good.

.....and she's fat!!!!!!!!! ahahahahahhahahahahahahahah

Moving Day....#1

So here we go.......

I was gonna be getting a big truck for all my crap....(which incidentally I eliminated sooo much but still had alot of stuff) but the Uhaul people are asshats. So my step dad borrowed this 18ft quad trailer. ....

with tarps....

:S

It is just him and me loading boxes and bits and pieces on this trailer and hes tying down the tarps and my neighbour, who is 106, comes over with her cane saying that the SD had put a big crack in her driveway (insert eye roll here). The crack had grass in it! It was on the wrong side that the truck was even on!....gotta love old people.

Anyways.....

sailing down the highway and the tarp is blowing in the wind. Had to stop a few times (10) and fix it.

Just as we were slowing down to turn off the main highway, a box from the front of the trailer comes flying out at me.....bounces and explodes....white, black, and pink things. I am thinking what the hell was that?

I run down the highway to survey the damage of the box and the contents, to find out what the contents were.......

my
friggen
underwear.

I never packed a box so fast in my life.

Can't wait to see what happens today :D

decided

I have decided

Moving....

I am moving on.

Physically.

Emotionally.

Mentally.

I have got an adventure ahead of me and it is so over due. I am leaving one small town to go to another small town with lots of family and I am very excited.

I have let go of the past heartache mostly, (not completely as I don't think thats possible), and looking ahead to all that lies before me. On a facebook test it said I was to meet my true love by accident. I am not looking anymore. What is meant to be will be.

I have grown and learned and came out the other side a happier healthier individual with alot to offer and give. :D

in other words.......blah blah blah......fuck'em

;)
teehee

Therapy Letter 2

Dear B,

First I would like to say that I am sorry. Sorry for letting you see that unfortunate side of me. I wasn't sure how you felt about me and then I overreacted and became insecure, in turn, showing my 'crazy'.

I am not apologizing for the way that I am. I am an emotional girl and yes sometimes I get insecure. I have a lot of good qualities that you did not take the time to see. You saw the crazy and bailed. Thats ok. It doesn't make you any less of a person and I don't blame you.

However, I am a great person with lots of love to give and would make an excellent girlfriend/lover/companion/best friend to someone someday. Quite frankly, it is your loss. I will always be your friend.

C

In conclusion......

I have made some conclusions. Thats a weird word.

Anyways, I have come to the realization that online dating will not find me the person I am supposed to be with. It will get me a reasonable facsimile and then that person will pass me over and pick someone else. For some reason I am that girl. The liasion between shitty and 'the one'.

So be it. I am ok that I was 'that' girl. I am not sure I want to be her anymore. I am going to be Cassie. Mr. Right, whomever he is, is out there somewhere. If I meet him tomorrow or 20 years from now, I am ok with that. I am good. My self esteem is getting bigger and stronger everyday. I don't need a man to make me happy. Frigger thats what electronic devices are for.......

-ahem- anyways.......

news

This last weekend was interesting.

I got great news and I got some not great, horrible actually, news.

A friend of a friend of mine passed away. One second she was here, the next she was gone. She truly was a great person who had that personality that you just couldnt get enough of. She will be missed.

It really makes you consider life. It makes you stop and examine your self and what you have done and what you have yet to do.

It makes you wonder. Would you have done anything different if your own life, as you know it, would suddenly stop?

Me for example, have four little kids, an ex who is (not sure what word to put here), a family that loves me and alot of friends.....old and new.

I would not change a thing up til now, because the things that have occured have made me the person I am today. I would keep on living my life to the fullest everyday. I will however look into maybe making a will so that my kids are looked after in the event that something would happen.

But its not going to....because WE have a deal ;)

Gore sex is best done in the dark.

yep....that just about says it all.

enjoy.

wow

So I am driving back from taking my kids to the bus stop this morning and I am semi listening to the radio and I hear this..........

I guess there was some contest somewhere that someone had about the best job or something.( I was clearly paying attention)..and anyways this man from australia won. He gets paid alot of money (131,000 dollars, don't quote me) to sit on a tropical island and take care of it and then blog about it.

Wow....now thats a contest.

ping.....and the light goes on

I have had a bit of an epiphany. I received some news the other day, it wasn't good and it wasn't bad it just 'was'.

The man that I wrote the therapy letter about is going to be a father. I was sad and not really sure why. I thought it was because there would never be a chance for him and I. I think now I was sad simply because I was worried for him. He just got out of a long marriage that wasn't the best. He had a rebound relationship (Me) and then started seeing this other girl. He has been with her for less than a year, he bought a house and are now having a baby. I am worried that he is going down a road that perhaps will end badly.......
I truely hope it doesn't. I mean that sincerely. I am now able to say that it was not meant to be or it would have happened for him and me. My fate is always ongoing. I am happy being me. I am always learning and growing. I am going to be just fine.

:D

fate.....

So rethinking the whole online dating thing. I have had lots of interest. Some genuine some sleazy all in all a positive experience.

I just don't know if this is the way I am supposed to meet my person. I know several people who have met their significant other on a website such as this but I just don't know if its the way its supposed to be.

I am a believer in fate and it seems that I guess I am feeling that I am tampering with it. I guess I will still go with it, get some dates out of it, and meet some people. If that 'person' is out there then I will meet him somehow.

Trying to stop controlling and fixing the things in life I can't fix. ie. Loving someone I can't have and has moved on with someone else. It happens. I cried. I picked myself up and dusted myself off.

On with it I go.

ummm....

So I lay in bed and I think as I am drifting off to sleep. Sometimes this is good and sometimes my brain doesn't shut off. Most of the time I think to myself 'that would be an excellent post for the blog'. When it comes to me sitting here and typing it out do you think I can remember what I was going to say?

No

Sorry I have nothing brilliantly funny to say.

Gone Fishin

I am back on the elusive online dating sites. A little more jilted, a little more selective and a LOT more wise.

May or may not find what I am looking for but nothing ventured nothing gained.

a taste of the crazy.....

So being in a relationship I think is not what I am looking for.

I was with Mr. Big Black Man for two months ish and we talked on the phone and texted alot and saw each other frequently. The last visit to me, for some reason, annoyed me. He was underfoot and his jokey comments......irked me.

So then he leaves. And his crazy starts to show. His needy side starts to show.

So I ended it.

Better for both of us.

Back to the Harem I go :D

Therapy letter

Dear ....,

I am not sure why I still think about you. It could be a certain song, or a smell, or something someone says but I instantly have a flash of a memory and it makes my heart hurt. I still cry sometimes because of you. I always thought I had abandonment issues because of ........(ex husband) but now I think it was because of you. I loved you and I thought we would always be together, I thought you were my soul mate and then one day my dreams, my thoughts, my heart shattered to a billion pieces.

I have never recovered since 1991. I went on to other relationships and I even got married. I learned a thing or two and we reconnected and I didnt want to believe, I didnt want to get attached to you because I was so afraid. I kept telling my self to be careful and not fall in love with you again.

But I did. I fell hard. In fact, I realize now I never stopped loving you since the day you asked me out in Grade 12.

The part that hurts the most is that I was there for you. I helped you through a lot. I helped you feel good about yourself again. I would do it again in a second. But you are not there for me. You said you would still be my friend even after you started seeing her. Its been almost a year since I heard your voice. Its been a couple of months since you made contact with me. You lied to me.

I just want you to know that I am happy for you that you found someone to be with you. I would be lieing if I said that I didnt wish it was me. Everyone deserves to be happy. I would trade all the nights we had together if you would only be my friend again. I miss you in my life.

As I sit here writing this letter I hope that one day I can get over the feeling that maybe one day you will realize that you love me as much as I love you.

Take Care

music 2

ok don't know what i did .....anyways

I love music.

I love the meaning it has behind it and the way it makes me feel.

Sometimes it cheers me up and sometimes it makes me sad and to tears.

I love to dance to funky songs and sing along when no one is watching.

I love certain lyrics and often think about them later on.

I love music.

FUCK!

So I have been passed over .....again.

I am really tired.

Tired of the pain. Tired of the self esteem hit I take everytime. What the hell is wrong with me? What defect do I have that repels them? I am so tired. FUCK

I am too old for this. I am too old to try and figure out what I do wrong in relationships and never really given the opportunity to fix anything before I am passed over.

Just once I would like someone to PICK ME.....pass over the other girl
CHOOOOOOSE ME!
LOOOOOVE ME!

FUCK IT!

I am so done.

The wall is around the heart again, it is very fragile, and its going to take alot for it to come down.

:(

Funk resumes.

more whining with a side of revelation....

Ok so here is the thing......

I really don't understand people sometimes. I was seeing said guy from my 'crazy' blog and then he stops talking to me. All together, I tried he ignored me. After a few more insult to injury I finally realize that HE is not worth my time nor my tears. So I deleted him from everywhere. I talk to my half brother who introduced us and gave him a heads up. I told him that I felt more for HIM then he felt for me ....it happens...we learn we grow we move on. (jenn liked it and so did i) My half brother said that HE didnt think I was ready for a relationship. What???! I said....

here comes the revelation part......

I have been told this before in round about sort of ways from other guys. But they all see something I don't see. I think now I see it. I need to get off the roller coaster before I get on the Ferris Wheel. (wow metaphor)

I think I need to get divorced from the crazy man before I think about embarking on a NEW adventure. This means I will not go looking for love, but if love were to find me, well then its meant to be that way.

So....there is my whine for the day.

Have a little whine with that blog.

HELLOOOO fellow bloggers.

Ok I realize that its been much much much to long since I have written anything on here. Not to say that I don't have anything to say as well I have alot of useless stuff to say. I think life just got in the way and days turn into weeks and then months....I think i have said that before....deja vu.

Anyways, my very insightful friend Jenn told me to whine on here instead of spreading my 'crazy' around. So I thought I will get peoples opinion on the crazy.

So here is the scenario.......

I met this very nice man at my half brothers wedding on December 5th. We hit if off and danced and talked then hung out all day the next day. The following day he asked half brother for my phone number and he called.

so far so good right......ok

He calls me every other day and we chat, we text back and forth all day. We meet at the end of December to finish Christmas shopping, we kiss in Walmart for the first time right there in the toy department. It was really good. We go out for dinner we do more shopping we make out alot in his truck.

He comes back to my parents condo downtown and meets them. They give the thumbs up....

you all still with me.......ok

Christmas comes and goes....and new years eve is upon us. I am in Calgary with my kids and I have plans to go out with Jenn. Having minor dress issues, realized that we will have to walk blocks , like 10 blocks, in high heels in the snow...so go to Jenn's. She as well is having dress issues and other issues but we eventually get it all organized and we decide to wear appropriate shoes and take our high heels. We are on the train....and after many stops we decide to screw it and go back to her house and veg out on the couch :D We go to DQ's as its the only place open and then go to 7-11 as its the only place that sells snacks and drink mixins ...go back to jenns....and we are watching movies and i am texting man and decide that perhaps i may get me some sex. I ask jenn if she would not mind terribly if i went to his house for midnight so i can get me some sex. And being the bestest friend in the whole world she said go for it. (still owe you for that one ;))

I get there at 11:50....we kiss in front of his parents. I meet his parents. We play yahtzee we kiss at midnight. Lots of hugging and such, hand on my leg........everyone leaves and we well....

it was awesome.

I hang out with him and his son all day new years day, we go out for pizza with his parents. All was well or so I thought. I text him that night to see if he wanted to bring his son and go swimming at my parents pool the following night.

I never got a text back.

I never got a text the next day.

No phone call when I got back to the mountains on Sunday.

I phoned a couple of times and texted a couple of times.

It is now January 11 and its gone from texting and phone calls to a handful of texts. Now granted I know he works and he has family stuff but come on. I was on MSN yesterday and I had some free time as the asshat had the kids but he was busy and couldnt say when he could see me. He was taking stuff to the dump and the second hand store ....they all eventually close I could have come over to watch a movie.....I eventually said that I wasnt happy as I missed him and I wasnt sure if he missed me. He went offline. No response.

So I offlined messaged him and said that I liked him very much but I need him to be honest with me.

Got nothing.

So my questions to you all is this.........

1. Was I used
2. Did I come across too needy and pathetic


Thanks for the whine :D
c